I know someone with a wee bit of a short-man’s-complex (according to him, he’s 5′10″, and that’s how knows I’m taller than 5′4″, because when he stands next to me, he has to be on tiptoes to look down at me).
He revels in being right–but over stupid things that don’t matter, anyway. Over things that no one’s arguing with him to begin with.
Today, I made the mistake of using the word “metaphor” instead of “simile” (and, yes, I have two English degrees, and yes, he’s better than I am). He reacted with a ten-minute happy-rant about how it’s okay to be wrong, but he’s never wrong, and a simple “I’m sorry-you-were-right-I-apologize” would suffice.
And because we’re in a semi-professional environment, I have to hold me tongue to keep from asking, “every time a woman’s wrong, does your dick grow?”
Disclaimer is kind of an ugly word
February 6, 2009
I’m working on some thought about the terrorism label and green scares. It’s going to take me a day or two…in the meantime, please note that I’m ambivalent towards the political sentiments of most of the blogs I link to. This isn’t an apology or a way of saying, “hey, I’m just a moderate good girl who doesn’t want to offend anyone” (especially since, in certain contexts, I really delight in offending others). This is just my way of saying that everything I’ve linked to is worth reading, regardless of which parts you or I may agree or disagree with. And I think it’s really fucking important to pay very close attention to how words like “terrorism” are used. Yes, for the upcoming post, I’m specifically referring to Green is the New Red, but it won’t be the only political/AR-activist/Eco-activist/leftie-commie writing to which I’ll refer in posts to come.
ETA: I guess I should clarify my sarcasm behind the “leftie-commie” label. In the rare chance anyone I don’t know is reading this, I’m not exactly, uh, conservative.
Percy Still Likes Plastic
February 6, 2009
Hey, there:
About a yearish ago (I think), my friend and I started this blog and got bored with it pretty soon after. I don’t know if he’ll ever contribute again, but I have some new things to say and I’m too lazy to start a new page from scratch. You can thank B for writing the one funny story because I’m sure everything I post will be about green scares, pretending I’m punk enough to fuck up capitalism, and how to stretch $40 so into a two-week food budget (potatoes, beans, and oatmeal. What’s a green vegetable?).
I’m mostly here because I’m too cool for facebook. That’s all.
Oh, B, if you do happen to pour salt on your brother’s wounds again, and would like to write about it, I changed the password because I couldn’t remember it.
If anyone’s reading and wants something more interesting, type “David Berman hates his father” into Google.
Idiot Redux
June 30, 2008
Preceded by arbitrary conversation, in which I happen to mention going to grad school in Virginia, as I ring up groceries…
Him: So, what did you get your degree in? Or, did you not finish?
My Head: Presumptuous asshole.
Me: No, I finished a Master’s in Creative Writing.
Him: So, Sarah, what do you do with your life?
Me: Work in a grocery store.
Him: Well, what do you want to do with your life?
Me: Work in a grocery store.
Horribly uncomfortable silence.
Fin.
Idiot
April 20, 2008
“How are you today?”
“Paper.”
Sweepstakes Prize*
April 19, 2008
Last night:
Outside the gallery, in the damp of a half-rain, P rolls a cigarette as I talk about all the unconnected things I can think of. He’s a few years younger than I, and it’s the first time one of his paintings has hung in a public space. I’m happy to see his painting on the wall and he’s nervous and uncomfortable with the crowd. I’m right there with him–neither of us drink, neither of us are particularly fond of schmoozing (excuse me, networking), and the pretty, dyed-groomed-stilleto-capped gallery-goers are a bit intimidating. I’m trying my best to create good conversation but it’s a little difficult in this context. So, disjointed sputterings it is. I’ve already talked about the guy from my grad-school days who was moved to tears by his own work, and I’ve already pointed out to P that at least he didn’t make a collage or rely on defecation references to make some sort of statement. At least wasn’t the appropriate wording but I can’t give P direct compliments without making him uncomfortable. So, at this particular point, as he rolls his cigarette, I talk about a particular song running through my head, about how I love the musician so much because of the utter lack of all pretension in her music; even her self-effacing lyrics are honest. It’s a musician we both like, and we talk about how the convergence of genuinity and real talent is rare and hard to achieve. While I mean what I say about the songs, it’s lost on P that I’m really directing the words towards him. His painting is damn good, though he’s already told me he submitted it mostly because it fit the theme and size requirements of the show. He says he’s painted a lot better. Regardless, it’s a good painting, even if the person who hung it misspelled its title. But he’s too nervous to be talking much and I’m talking too much because I’m nervous about how to be good support for him. So, I interject with an ongoing joke about gay unicorns because, everyone loves gay unicorns.* I’ve used the joke one too many times, though. We wait for friends of ours to show up. There’s always more safety in numbers.
Post-show/Middle of the night:
I leave after others show up. My intention is to grade papers but I’m exhuasted so I fall asleep with my clothes and the lights on. I dream that my mother is dead–it doesn’t occur to me that I’m dreaming, despite the ridiculous setting of the dream–according to my subconscious, my mother worked in a diner, and collected kitschy mugs emblazoned with pictures of fifties pin-up girls. That is definitely not my mother, but asleep, I didn’t get the joke. I’m pretty sure this dream dragged itself on for about four hours. I’m pretty sure I thought I was actually sobbing.
Waking up:
Relieved that my mother is quite alive, that I was just dreaming. Pissed that I didn’t sleep well and I’m still tired. Mad at whatever god of dreams made me think my mother was dead–it was a horrible joke to play. Then, shit! It’s 10:00. Fuck! I was supposed to move my car before 8:00. I’ve already received two tickets this week. $110, to be exact ($60 for being parked in a no rush-hour parking zone, and $50 for an expired meter). I run outside, in my short sleeves even though it’s chilly, and pry the expected ticket from underneath my wiper blade. I open the car door and shove the ticket into my glove compartment. I feed the meter–no sense in trying to move the car. There’s nowhere to park on a Saturday. And now that I have three tickets, I can’t ignore them (see, they don’t boot your car unless you have three outstanding violations, so I can usually make it through about three months of warnings before finally paying–now, I need to pay at least one of them before I forget about the others). How to deal with a near-instant debt of $160? Pretend it isn’t happening.
But, in the midst of continual debt and poverty, of bad dreams, of balancing multiple jobs, of cruel people, of working at a fucking grocery store, there is the concrete existence of a black-and-white painting devoid of all pretension, full of honesty, and a quiet kindness.
If that isn’t love, well…
Fuck cliche. It is love. Absolute.
*A Mirah Song.
*I have my former roommate to credit; she sent me gay unicorn stickers in the mail for this very reason.
Practice post
April 16, 2008
We’re in Houston for my great uncle’s funeral. We’ve just dropped our luggage at our hotel room near the airport, and walked across the parking lot to a sports bar, where we pack ourselves (mom, dad, sister, brother, me) into a booth. We’ve ordered our dinner. We suspect this meal will be about as good as one can reasonably expect from a sports bar in a hotel parking lot on the edge of Houston, but we’ve been in transit for hours and just want to eat. Our conversation turns to the subject of my brother’s left index finger, the tip of which he recently severed while cutting limes in a bar. He peels back his bandage to show us the carnage. It looks like a raw cartoon steak. My sister, to our delight, is horrified1. I grab the salt shaker from our table and begin to mime the act of throwing salt upon my brother’s wound2. I cease to mime the act when the cap becomes dislodged3 and a heap of salt pours out onto my brother’s fingertip, eliciting a guttural howl that draws the attention of all the patrons in the bar. He is rocking, holding his own hand, sucking air through his teeth. I try to apologize, but he isn’t listening; he’s staring through his teary eyes at the shaker with a look of incomprehension. The shaker has fallen on its side. Affixed to its bottom4 is a sticker that reads, simply, “LYE”. In a tiny, throaty voice, my brother moans, “Oh, why is there lye on the table?”5
Little, tiny things
April 4, 2008
Today, I saw an ad for the assisted living facility in which my grandfather lives. The same facility to which my parents pay $1500 a month (and that’s not counting what my grandfather’s social security covers…I believe the actual rent is twice that). The ad said “We have a special on human life.”
Special, indeed.
Puzzle Piece #1
March 28, 2008
I’m at home for a week. How to explain home in one sentence? For at least seven years, my parents’ cd player has turned itself on every single day at 3:30 pm, regaling the listener with anything from opera to LeAnn Rimes.
On the practical use of eggs
March 27, 2008
The Jewel by my house* has televisions in every single manned line, so customers can be entertained while waiting. The migraine-inducing fluorescent lighting is bad enough, as is choosing between the robotic self check-out and the line with an actual person (questionable at times) who gets paid for the work, even though the company’s trying to save more money with the robots (good thing for the real people that the self check-out malfunctions approximately 92% of the time). Long-windedness aside, I’m watching the television as a perky lady tells me how to make an “eggshell planter.” Why? Because it’s creative! And easy! You just crack open an egg (carefully, because you only want to crack off the top), empty out the yolk, fill the hollowed shell with a bit of soil and grass seed, draw a face on the egg shell and Ta Da! You have a little punky green hair-do on your egg man! Now, where’s the walrus? The Ta Da! is what sent me to the robot line…I just couldn’t take it. Perky is the devil.
But on to another fabulous use for eggs–teaching fifth graders the importance of being heterosexual and not having sex until married! What an awesomely weird idea! Maybe it’s because in 1990, we were all secretly watching 90210 when our parents weren’t looking. The teachers heard us talking about Brenda’s false alarm with Dylan, and behold! an idea was born! Hard-boiled egg-babies! (after all, the egg-man was once a wee pup). So, the boys and girls paired up (my nerdy self was paired with the very popular teacher’s son, who, even at the age of ten looked a little like Brandon Walsh and a lot like Rick Astley), drew faces on their eggs, and prepared to take care of them for a week without dropping them or allowing them to be hit by those red bouncy-balls on the playground (Wall Ball was exceptionally popular between the years 1988 and 1991). Some kids’ mothers even sewed little diapers and decorated baskets for the eggs. I gave mine a blanket of scrap fabric so it wouldn’t be cold. But guess what Mrs. H’s son did the first night it was his turn to take care of little eggy-egg? He dropped him. Bad father. Bad. But, since he was the teacher’s son, he was allowed to make a new one and pretend the replacement baby looked exactly the same as the dead baby. That’s politics, for ya. It was a pointless exercise–even if I had been thinking about sex instead of, say, how I was going to make it through an entire day without picked on too terribly, I definitely wouldn’t have fantasized about doing “it” with Brandon Astley. He was the spawn of a woman who told the entire class it was illegal to make fun of the president (Republican wench) and who referred to my orthotics as “orthodontics”. We were also required to complete a series of “critical thinking folders”–one question I still remember is “if you could create your own 24-hour line-up of television shows, what would it consist of?” Critical wha–How does talking about all the television you like fit into the category of critical thinking? Especially when popular television includes 90210 and America’s Funniest Home Videos?
And my mother wonders how I grew up to be so cynical. Egg-babies, ma. Egg-babies. They grow up to be grass-haired egg-men who make me want to cry in a way so horrible. It’s a sad, mad world. Kill the egg-babies.
**By house, I mean crappy studio apartment whose window overlooks the alley and at which homeless people sometimes yell inanities about werewolves because I didn’t put anything good in the trash.
