Idiot
April 20, 2008
“How are you today?”
“Paper.”
Sweepstakes Prize*
April 19, 2008
Last night:
Outside the gallery, in the damp of a half-rain, P rolls a cigarette as I talk about all the unconnected things I can think of. He’s a few years younger than I, and it’s the first time one of his paintings has hung in a public space. I’m happy to see his painting on the wall and he’s nervous and uncomfortable with the crowd. I’m right there with him–neither of us drink, neither of us are particularly fond of schmoozing (excuse me, networking), and the pretty, dyed-groomed-stilleto-capped gallery-goers are a bit intimidating. I’m trying my best to create good conversation but it’s a little difficult in this context. So, disjointed sputterings it is. I’ve already talked about the guy from my grad-school days who was moved to tears by his own work, and I’ve already pointed out to P that at least he didn’t make a collage or rely on defecation references to make some sort of statement. At least wasn’t the appropriate wording but I can’t give P direct compliments without making him uncomfortable. So, at this particular point, as he rolls his cigarette, I talk about a particular song running through my head, about how I love the musician so much because of the utter lack of all pretension in her music; even her self-effacing lyrics are honest. It’s a musician we both like, and we talk about how the convergence of genuinity and real talent is rare and hard to achieve. While I mean what I say about the songs, it’s lost on P that I’m really directing the words towards him. His painting is damn good, though he’s already told me he submitted it mostly because it fit the theme and size requirements of the show. He says he’s painted a lot better. Regardless, it’s a good painting, even if the person who hung it misspelled its title. But he’s too nervous to be talking much and I’m talking too much because I’m nervous about how to be good support for him. So, I interject with an ongoing joke about gay unicorns because, everyone loves gay unicorns.* I’ve used the joke one too many times, though. We wait for friends of ours to show up. There’s always more safety in numbers.
Post-show/Middle of the night:
I leave after others show up. My intention is to grade papers but I’m exhuasted so I fall asleep with my clothes and the lights on. I dream that my mother is dead–it doesn’t occur to me that I’m dreaming, despite the ridiculous setting of the dream–according to my subconscious, my mother worked in a diner, and collected kitschy mugs emblazoned with pictures of fifties pin-up girls. That is definitely not my mother, but asleep, I didn’t get the joke. I’m pretty sure this dream dragged itself on for about four hours. I’m pretty sure I thought I was actually sobbing.
Waking up:
Relieved that my mother is quite alive, that I was just dreaming. Pissed that I didn’t sleep well and I’m still tired. Mad at whatever god of dreams made me think my mother was dead–it was a horrible joke to play. Then, shit! It’s 10:00. Fuck! I was supposed to move my car before 8:00. I’ve already received two tickets this week. $110, to be exact ($60 for being parked in a no rush-hour parking zone, and $50 for an expired meter). I run outside, in my short sleeves even though it’s chilly, and pry the expected ticket from underneath my wiper blade. I open the car door and shove the ticket into my glove compartment. I feed the meter–no sense in trying to move the car. There’s nowhere to park on a Saturday. And now that I have three tickets, I can’t ignore them (see, they don’t boot your car unless you have three outstanding violations, so I can usually make it through about three months of warnings before finally paying–now, I need to pay at least one of them before I forget about the others). How to deal with a near-instant debt of $160? Pretend it isn’t happening.
But, in the midst of continual debt and poverty, of bad dreams, of balancing multiple jobs, of cruel people, of working at a fucking grocery store, there is the concrete existence of a black-and-white painting devoid of all pretension, full of honesty, and a quiet kindness.
If that isn’t love, well…
Fuck cliche. It is love. Absolute.
*A Mirah Song.
*I have my former roommate to credit; she sent me gay unicorn stickers in the mail for this very reason.
Practice post
April 16, 2008
We’re in Houston for my great uncle’s funeral. We’ve just dropped our luggage at our hotel room near the airport, and walked across the parking lot to a sports bar, where we pack ourselves (mom, dad, sister, brother, me) into a booth. We’ve ordered our dinner. We suspect this meal will be about as good as one can reasonably expect from a sports bar in a hotel parking lot on the edge of Houston, but we’ve been in transit for hours and just want to eat. Our conversation turns to the subject of my brother’s left index finger, the tip of which he recently severed while cutting limes in a bar. He peels back his bandage to show us the carnage. It looks like a raw cartoon steak. My sister, to our delight, is horrified1. I grab the salt shaker from our table and begin to mime the act of throwing salt upon my brother’s wound2. I cease to mime the act when the cap becomes dislodged3 and a heap of salt pours out onto my brother’s fingertip, eliciting a guttural howl that draws the attention of all the patrons in the bar. He is rocking, holding his own hand, sucking air through his teeth. I try to apologize, but he isn’t listening; he’s staring through his teary eyes at the shaker with a look of incomprehension. The shaker has fallen on its side. Affixed to its bottom4 is a sticker that reads, simply, “LYE”. In a tiny, throaty voice, my brother moans, “Oh, why is there lye on the table?”5
Little, tiny things
April 4, 2008
Today, I saw an ad for the assisted living facility in which my grandfather lives. The same facility to which my parents pay $1500 a month (and that’s not counting what my grandfather’s social security covers…I believe the actual rent is twice that). The ad said “We have a special on human life.”
Special, indeed.
